having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
