If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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