You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
ttyl tear gas
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
