watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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