I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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