I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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