I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
