I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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