I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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