I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
