I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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