He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
