in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
