I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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