so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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