Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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