We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
