I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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