Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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