Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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