Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
