Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
