I have demons in me.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
