Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I did not marry a roomba.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
