my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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