im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
