Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
