in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
