Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
