OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
