I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
