I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cannot find my penis.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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