I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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