You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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