i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
