I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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