I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
