He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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