The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
