My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
