i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
