Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
