my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
