fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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