every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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