i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
