I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
