Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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