She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
