I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
