she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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